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What is creating your relationship Nightmare?

September 25, 2020

Hendrien v.d Bijl

Dreams in a relationship is important to keep perspective, to know where you are headed, and to keep your focus on what it is that you do want. But just like with anything else there is also an opposite side to it. With dreams we also get nightmares.

What is your relationship nightmare? Being too talkative, over emotionality, absence, withdrawal, stonewalling, sex, in-laws, addictions, or children… it can be anything, something else, or even all of them.

Did the question ever cross your mind that if we love each other so much, why do we cause each other so much pain? Why if this was what we have been dreaming about: to be close with someone we push them away? To share life and love with our partner, but instead, we are busier avoiding each other? Why do we dream about having a partner to be adventurous with where we can go out to see the world and to be curious about learning new things, why did we start to stagnate and live for routine and sameness? We do we dream about a passionate relationship but now we despise our partners when they just look at us?  Why are we now creating our own nightmare if our heart desires something else?

What we see is that it’s as if we get so stuck in the pain, we get so used to living in the nightmare that we forget that there is a different way of living and doing relationship. Being stuck in this place makes living the dream impossible. We tend to only focus on our partner’s shortcomings which is creating the nightmare. But a big shift needs to happen. A shift to realize that firstly, a relationship is a co-creation. That even though it is maybe your partner who is withdrawing in conversation, there is something you are triggering in them that is causing them to feel they need to push away. If your partner tends to be over-emotional, there is something they are not getting from you that they feel they need to go overboard. If you grasp this, it means that there is nothing wrong with your partner when they are reacting in a certain way: yelling, walking away, ignoring you, being over-emotional. There is nothing wrong, there is just something that’s causing them to react that way.

Secondly, it needs to change. We can’t just downplay our own contribution and/or just accept our partner’s destructive behaviors. Something needs to change. And for that, we need to find the root of what is causing your nightmare. Not just the symptoms. But the core. If you work with symptoms, the change is too shallow, it will happen again. But if you can get to the core of what is causing you to behave in a certain way and why your partner is reacting in another deep and intense change can happen which will have a healthier and longer effect on your relationship.

This can be quite sensitive and emotional work. If you want to learn more about how you can get to the core of what is causing your relationship nightmare, please feel free to contact us so we can assist you every step of the way. You are not alone; we are here to help.

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