Most couples who come in for their first session say some version of the same thing: “We should have done this sooner.”
Not because they were in crisis earlier, but because the patterns they came to address had been quietly building for years before anyone named them. Couples counselling in Pretoria is more accessible, and more effective, than most people assume. But a lot of couples hold off because they don’t know what to expect, or because they’re waiting until things get bad enough to justify it.
This post is an honest look at what the process actually involves, and why most couples benefit most when they don’t wait.
When should a couple consider counselling?
The short answer: earlier than most do.
Couples typically come to counselling when one of these things is happening:
- The same argument keeps repeating, with no real resolution, only a pause until next time
- One partner has emotionally withdrawn, and the other doesn’t know how to reach them
- Something significant has happened, an affair, a loss, a major life transition, and the relationship hasn’t recovered
- There’s no dramatic conflict, but a quiet distance has grown between them
- They’re fine, but they want to be genuinely close again, not just functional
That last category is more common than people realise. Not every couple that comes in is in crisis. Some simply want to reconnect before the distance becomes harder to bridge.
The research on couples therapy is consistent on one point: the earlier you come, the better the outcomes. By the time contempt and emotional shutdown are well established, the work is harder and longer. Coming in when the distance is still recent, when both partners are frustrated but still willing, produces faster, deeper results.
What actually happens in couples counselling?
At Start Right Stay Right, the approach is Imago Relationship Therapy, a structured, evidence-based method developed by Dr Harville Hendrix and Dr Helen LaKelly Hunt, and used by therapists in over 50 countries.
Here’s what a typical process looks like:
The first session is an assessment. The goal isn’t to solve anything yet, it’s to understand what’s actually happening between you. What the presenting conflict is, what the pattern underneath it looks like, and what each partner most needs. By the end, you’ll have a clearer picture of where you are and what working together could involve.
The core tool is the Imago Dialogue. This is a structured three-part conversation, mirroring, validation, and empathy, that most couples have never experienced before. It slows the conversation down enough that both partners can actually hear each other, not just wait for their turn to respond. For many couples, the first time they do a proper Imago Dialogue is the first time they feel genuinely understood by their partner in years.
The work builds progressively. Each session adds a layer, understanding what drives your patterns, where those patterns come from, and how to interrupt them before they take hold. The goal isn’t just insight. It’s practical: skills and tools you can use at home, not just in the therapy room.
Sessions are typically 90 minutes to 2 hours. Couples work is inherently more complex than individual therapy, there are two nervous systems in the room, two histories, two different ways of experiencing the same relationship. The longer session time allows for real depth, not just surface-level conversation management.
What makes Imago different from other approaches?
Imago isn’t general counselling with a few techniques added on. It’s a complete therapeutic framework built around one central insight: the conflicts couples have are not random. They are connected to each partner’s developmental history, to unmet needs from early in life that get re-activated by the person they’re closest to.
This is why the same fight happens on a loop. It’s not really about the dishes, or the finances, or who said what at the dinner party. Those are the surface. Underneath is a much older conversation, between two people who chose each other, often unconsciously, because they recognised something familiar in the other person.
Imago works at that level. It doesn’t just help couples fight better. It helps them understand why they fight at all, and what each of them is actually asking for when the conflict begins.
As a certified Imago Relationship Practitioner, not just a general counsellor who has attended a workshop, Hendrien is trained to hold the structured process that makes this level of work possible. The certification involves significant training hours, supervised practice, and ongoing professional development through the International Imago Therapy Institute (IITI).
What if one of us isn’t sure about counselling?
This is one of the most common situations couples arrive in. Usually one partner is more ready than the other, more willing to name the problem, more open to outside help.
That’s not a barrier. It’s normal.
The free 20-minute Clarity Call is specifically designed for couples in this situation. It’s a low-pressure, no-obligation conversation, a chance for both of you to ask questions, get a feel for the process, and decide together whether it feels right. There’s no sales pressure and no expectation that you’ll book anything.
Most couples find that speaking to Hendrien directly dissolves a lot of the uncertainty about what couples counselling actually involves.
What about the 3-Day Marriage Intensive?
For couples who want results faster, or who have significant distance or disconnection to work through, the 3-Day Marriage Intensive offers a fundamentally different kind of experience.
Rather than weekly sessions spread over months, the Intensive compresses the equivalent of several months of therapy into three focused, private days. It’s immersive, it’s structured, and it’s designed to create momentum that ordinary weekly sessions can’t match.
It’s particularly suited to couples who are time-poor, or who have been struggling for a while and want to create real change quickly rather than incrementally.
Getting started
If you’re based in Pretoria or Gauteng, in-person sessions are available in Pretoria East. Online sessions are available across South Africa and internationally, with the same depth and structure as in-person work. Sessions are offered in both English and Afrikaans.
The best first step is a free 20-minute Clarity Call, a short conversation to understand where you are and whether Imago couples counselling is the right fit for your situation.
Most couples who make that call say they wish they’d done it earlier.
Hendrien van der Bijl is a certified Imago Relationship Practitioner based in Pretoria East, South Africa. She specialises in couples counselling and marriage intensive work, and offers sessions in English and Afrikaans, in-person and online.