The woman, wife, mother and relationship therapist behind Start Right Stay Right, and why I believe that love deserves more than simply surviving together.

I have always been someone who loves love. Not just the romantic, butterflies-in-your-stomach kind, but the deep, vulnerable, sometimes messy kind that asks us to grow, confront ourselves and choose each other through the different seasons of life.

I’m Hendrien van der Bijl, a certified Imago relationship therapist, wife, mother of three and the founder of Start Right Stay Right, a couples therapy practice based in Pretoria East, South Africa.

But long before I became a relationship therapist, I was simply a little girl who noticed things.

I noticed when someone was hurting, even when they said they were fine. I sensed the tension in a room, the sadness behind someone’s smile and the emotions people struggled to put into words.

And more often than not, I wanted to do something about it.

I wanted people to feel seen. Heard. Understood. Valued.

Looking back, I realise that this has always been one of the greatest driving forces in my life.

Today, I have the privilege of turning that natural curiosity and care for people into meaningful work, helping couples understand each other in ways they may never have experienced before.

But there is much more to my story than what happens inside my therapy office.

A Wife, a Mother and Someone Who Is Still Learning About Love

I’m a thirty-something millennial mom who married her school crush.

My husband, Ryno, and I have been together for 14 years. We have grown up together in many ways, navigating the transition from young love into marriage, parenthood and everything that happens in between.

And if there is one thing my own marriage has taught me, it is this:

You can love someone deeply and still find relationships incredibly challenging.

Love does not automatically teach us how to communicate when we feel hurt. It does not remove the impact of our childhood experiences, protect us from emotional disconnection or tell us how to remain connected while raising children and managing demanding lives.

Those are things we have to learn.

And sometimes, relearn.

Becoming parents has added another layer to that understanding.

Like so many working mothers, I know what it feels like to juggle professional responsibilities, children’s needs, marriage, household demands and the quiet expectation that somehow, we should have enough left over for ourselves.

Some days, that balance feels beautiful. Other days, it feels almost impossible.

What makes my work particularly meaningful is that I am not standing outside life, observing other people’s struggles from a distance.

I am living life too.

I am growing alongside my children, learning alongside my husband and continually being reminded that healthy relationships require intention, humility, emotional awareness and a willingness to keep showing up.

And when I’m not working with couples or navigating family life, you’ll probably find me baking something delicious, dancing or enjoying the small moments that make an ordinary day feel special.

I believe deeply in the importance of joy, playfulness and feeling alive.

Not only as individuals, but especially within our relationships.

Why I Founded Start Right Stay Right

My fascination with relationships began long before my professional training.

I remember watching movies as a child and feeling genuinely heartbroken when two people who clearly loved each other could no longer find their way back.

They would misunderstand each other, grow distant, hurt each other and eventually reach a point where leaving seemed like the only option.

What troubled me most was not always the conflict itself.

It was the feeling that something was missing.

That perhaps, if these two people could just understand what was really happening between them, their story might have unfolded differently.

I even remember thinking that if they could just come and speak to me, maybe I could help them.

It sounds rather ambitious for a little girl, but that feeling stayed with me.

Eventually, I pursued psychology and specialised relationship training so that I could become someone equipped to help couples navigate those very moments.

When I founded Start Right Stay Right in 2015, my vision was simple:

Why wait until a relationship is falling apart before learning how to make it work?

Why spend years repeating painful patterns, misunderstanding each other or slowly growing apart when relationship skills can be learned?

I wanted to help couples build strong foundations from the beginning.

But as my practice grew, I noticed something important.

Most couples do not seek relationship support when everything is going well.

They seek it when something has already started hurting.

When the conversations have become exhausting.

When affection has been replaced by irritation.

When the emotional distance has grown so large that they can no longer remember how they got there.

And sometimes, when divorce has already become part of the conversation.

That reality shaped Start Right Stay Right into what it is today: a space where couples can understand their relationship patterns, restore emotional safety and learn how to reconnect, whether they are preparing for marriage or trying to save a relationship that feels close to breaking.

The Couples Who Find Their Way Into My Office

Many couples who come to me for marriage counselling in Pretoria East look perfectly fine from the outside.

They are successful, responsible and hardworking.

They are raising children, managing careers, paying bills and taking care of the people around them.

They function incredibly well as a team.

But somewhere along the way, they have stopped feeling like lovers.

Instead, they have become colleagues in the business of running a family.

They coordinate calendars, discuss the children, manage responsibilities and occasionally argue about whose turn it is to do what.

Yet the laughter, affection, emotional intimacy and friendship that once defined their relationship have quietly disappeared.

I often refer to this as the invisible divorce.

The couple is still married. They may still share a home, a bed and a life.

But emotionally, they are living worlds apart.

Other couples arrive because conflict has taken over their relationship. They have the same arguments repeatedly, with neither partner feeling understood.

Some are recovering from infidelity or a betrayal of trust.

Others are contemplating separation or divorce, unsure whether their relationship can ever feel safe again.

And then there are the couples who simply tell me:

“We still love each other. We just don’t know how to do this anymore.”

That is the couple I hold so much hope for.

Because often, what looks like a lack of love is actually a relationship that has been operating in survival mode for far too long.

And when people have been surviving for years, it makes sense that they eventually stop feeling fully alive.

Why Imago Relationship Therapy Changed the Way I Work

Throughout my professional journey, I have explored different therapeutic approaches, both through my training and through my own personal growth.

But Imago Relationship Therapy has remained the approach that resonates most deeply with me.

Why?

Because it helps bring structure to places that have become emotionally chaotic.

It helps couples slow down conversations that would ordinarily end in defensiveness, criticism, withdrawal or blame.

It encourages curiosity where there was once judgment.

Empathy where there was once resentment.

And understanding where there was once confusion.

One of the central ideas behind Imago Relationship Therapy is that the way we experience love and connection today is influenced by the relationships and experiences that shaped us earlier in life.

Our childhood experiences, attachment patterns, emotional needs and unconscious expectations often show up in our adult relationships without us even realising it.

Suddenly, the argument about dirty dishes is not simply about dirty dishes.

The disagreement about spending money may carry deeper feelings of fear, security or being valued.

And the partner who withdraws during conflict may not be trying to punish the other person, but may have learned that shutting down was the safest way to manage overwhelming emotions.

When couples begin to understand these deeper dynamics, something important becomes possible.

They can stop seeing each other as the enemy and begin recognising the pattern that has been keeping them disconnected.

Through structured Imago Dialogue, couples learn practical skills in listening, reflecting, validating and responding with empathy.

They begin to experience what it feels like to be heard without being interrupted, corrected or defended against.

For many, that experience is profoundly different from anything they have known before.

What I love most about this approach is that it does not require couples to become dependent on their therapist.

It teaches skills they can continue using in their own homes, long after our work together has ended.

My goal is not to become the person who holds your relationship together.

My goal is to help you learn how to hold your relationship differently, together.

The Biggest Communication Mistake I See in Relationships

When people think about couples therapy, they often assume the main focus will be learning how to communicate better.

And yes, communication matters enormously.

But I believe the problem often goes deeper than choosing the wrong words.

Many couples have lost the emotional safety needed to communicate openly in the first place.

When emotional safety disappears, even an ordinary conversation can feel threatening.

One partner raises a concern.

The other hears criticism.

One tries to explain.

The other hears an excuse.

One becomes louder because they desperately want to be understood.

The other withdraws because the conversation feels overwhelming.

And suddenly, two people who both want connection find themselves doing the very things that push each other further apart.

We listen to respond rather than understand.

We speak to convince rather than connect.

We defend ourselves instead of becoming curious about what our partner is experiencing.

This is why simply telling couples to communicate more is rarely enough.

Couples do not always need to talk more. They need to experience conversations differently.

In my work, we begin by creating enough safety for both partners to slow down, become curious and understand what is happening beneath their reactions.

Because when the conversation begins to feel safer, people often become more willing to share what they have been protecting for years.

Rebuilding Trust Means Looking Beneath the Conflict

One of the most important aspects of my work is helping couples understand the difference between the symptoms of relationship distress and the deeper dynamics driving it.

An affair, for example, may be the crisis that brings a couple into therapy.

Repeated arguments may be the reason they finally make an appointment.

But working only with what happened on the surface does not always address the patterns, vulnerabilities and emotional injuries that need attention.

This does not mean excusing harmful behaviour or removing personal responsibility.

It means recognising that meaningful relationship repair requires both accountability and understanding.

When couples begin exploring what has been happening beneath their conflict, they often discover fears, unmet emotional needs and long-standing protective responses they had never recognised before.

I frequently hear statements like:

“He will never be able to open up emotionally.”

“I will never trust her again.”

“We will never stop fighting.”

“We have tried everything.”

And I understand why they feel that way.

When you have experienced the same painful pattern for years, it becomes difficult to imagine anything different.

But not knowing how to create change is not necessarily the same as change being impossible.

With the right support, willingness and practical tools, couples can begin building new experiences of safety, honesty and connection.

Trust takes time to rebuild, particularly after betrayal, and every relationship has its own circumstances.

But I have witnessed how much can shift when couples finally begin addressing the things that have kept them stuck.

What Happens When Couples Begin Doing the Work?

There is something incredibly special about watching two people rediscover each other.

I have worked with couples who arrived sleeping in separate bedrooms, already living apart or seriously considering divorce.

For some, therapy felt like their final attempt to understand whether their marriage could continue.

And I have watched couples leave a three-day marriage intensive laughing together, reaching for each other’s hands and looking at one another with a softness that had been missing for years.

That does not mean every difficulty has disappeared or that three days can resolve every relationship crisis.

But those moments of renewed connection matter.

They remind people that beneath years of hurt, there may still be something worth exploring.

I have worked with couples married for more than 40 years who had spent decades focusing on raising children and fulfilling responsibilities.

When their children eventually left home, they realised how little they knew about being a couple without those shared responsibilities.

Watching them rediscover playfulness, affection and genuine curiosity about each other has been one of the greatest joys of my work.

I have also worked with young couples preparing for marriage who wanted to build something different from the relationships they witnessed growing up.

And with parents navigating the heartbreak, uncertainty and emotional consequences of infidelity.

Every relationship is different.

Not every couple will make the same choices or experience the same outcomes.

But again and again, I am reminded that when people feel emotionally safe enough to become curious about themselves and each other, meaningful movement becomes possible.

Some of the comments I hear most often in my office are:

“I have never thought about it like that.”

“I have never felt so understood.”

“It finally makes sense.”

“I didn’t know other couples experienced this too.”

“Why didn’t we do this sooner?”

Those are the moments that remind me why I chose this work.

Why I Believe in the Three-Day Marriage Intensive

Although I offer different forms of couples therapy and relationship support, my three-day marriage intensive in Pretoria East has become one of the most meaningful parts of my practice.

Many of the couples I work with have demanding careers, children and very little uninterrupted time together.

They have spent months, sometimes years, trying to resolve their relationship difficulties in between school runs, work meetings and everyday responsibilities.

By the time they seek support, they often feel emotionally exhausted.

A private three-day intensive offers something different.

It creates dedicated time for a couple to step away from daily demands and focus on understanding what has been happening between them.

Rather than repeatedly revisiting the same arguments, we work to identify the underlying relationship cycle, explore the emotional experiences beneath it and begin practising a different way of connecting.

The process is structured, personal and focused on the needs of the couple.

We work with emotional safety, communication, attachment experiences, conflict patterns and the practical skills needed to sustain change beyond the therapy room.

For couples experiencing significant disconnection, repeated conflict or uncertainty about the future of their marriage, this concentrated approach can offer an opportunity to make meaningful progress.

It is not about rushing healing or promising to save every marriage.

It is about creating enough space to understand the relationship more deeply and determine what rebuilding it would genuinely require.

Who Is Start Right Stay Right For?

If I could describe the couple I most love working with, it would be this:

You are two people who have worked incredibly hard to build a life together.

You may be successful in your careers. You may be devoted parents. You probably spend much of your time taking care of everyone and everything around you.

And from the outside, your life may look wonderful.

But behind closed doors, something feels missing.

You miss laughing together.

You miss enjoying each other’s company without tension.

You miss feeling wanted, appreciated and emotionally close.

You miss the version of your relationship where you were not simply managing life, but genuinely enjoying it.

Perhaps you have started wondering whether this is simply what happens after years of marriage.

Whether passion naturally disappears.

Whether feeling emotionally alone is just part of adulthood.

Whether you should be grateful for what you have and stop expecting more.

I want you to know that longing for a deeper connection does not make you unreasonable.

And recognising that something needs to change does not mean your relationship has failed.

You may simply have reached a point where the way you have been relating to each other no longer works.

My ideal clients are not necessarily couples who already know how to fix their relationship.

They are couples who are willing to become curious.

Who recognise that there may be more to understand.

Who want something different for themselves, their partner and their family.

Couples who do not simply want to stay married, but want to feel alive in their marriage.

What I Hope Every Couple Takes Away From Working With Me

Of course, I want couples to leave my office with practical relationship tools.

I want them to understand their communication patterns, navigate conflict more safely, rebuild emotional connection and learn how to respond to each other with greater empathy.

But there is something else I hope for.

I want couples to experience the relief of realising that they do not have to remain trapped in the same painful cycle forever.

I want them to rediscover appreciation, laughter, affection and the joy of genuinely knowing their partner.

I want them to recognise that personal growth and relationship growth are not separate journeys.

And most importantly, I want the work we do together to become something they can carry into their everyday lives.

Because relationship therapy should not simply help you feel connected while sitting in a therapist’s office.

It should equip you to create more moments of connection around your dinner table, in your bedroom, during difficult conversations and throughout the ordinary experiences of life.

That is what makes this work so meaningful to me.

Let’s Start Right, So You Can Stay Right

If you have made it this far, perhaps something in my story or my work resonates with you.

Maybe you recognise your relationship in the experiences I have described.

Maybe you still love your partner deeply but feel unsure how to reach them.

Or perhaps you are simply curious about what your relationship could become with the right support.

Wherever you are, there are different ways to begin.

You can explore the free relationship insights and educational content I share on social media, use one of my practical relationship guides or book an introductory session to begin understanding your relationship patterns.

I also offer a free clarity call for couples who want to explore whether my approach is the right fit.

For those ready to invest in deeper, focused work, my private three-day marriage intensive provides dedicated space to begin understanding, repairing and rebuilding their relationship.

I work with couples in person in Pretoria East and offer online couples therapy across South Africa and internationally.

But before you book anything, I want to leave you with this thought.

You do not have to wait until you are ready to leave before you learn how to find your way back.

Relationships are not meant to be perfect.

They are meant to be places where two imperfect people can continue learning, growing and discovering each other.

Places where conflict can become an opportunity for understanding rather than another reason to disconnect.

Places where we can be fully human, deeply known and genuinely loved.

Because I believe love deserves more than survival.

It deserves connection.

It deserves laughter.

It deserves growth.

And it deserves the opportunity to feel alive.

With love,

Hendrien van der Bijl
Founder, Start Right Stay Right
Certified Imago Relationship Therapist
Honours Degree in Psychology
Pretoria East, South Africa

Ready to understand what is really happening in your relationship?

Book your free clarity call or explore my private three-day marriage intensive.

Start Right Stay Right | Couples Therapy, Marriage Counselling and Imago Relationship Therapy in Pretoria East, South Africa.